This feeling...

there's this feeling that im keeping deep inside that i cant let out
a feeling that tells how i really feel
a feeling that shows just how vulnerable and regular that i can be
this feeling encompases the real me
its a feeling that has brought me plenty of shame
yet at the same time it has made these brown eyes rain tears of pain,tears of being frightened,
tears that have ran down this face before
i dont want these tears anymore
im tired of drying my eyes because i cant hold it together for longer than 12 hours
im tired of drying my eyes because i feel lost in the distance yet im here and can see me there
im just tired....
ive tried my best to do what im know to do
but i have to take a step back and look and myself in the mirror, just to see if i know who is staring back
i dont...
i use to know him
he was a kind man, a gentle man, he cared for the world as if he helped god make it
he use to feel the pains of those he didnt know and the bled the wounds of those he did
he knew joy, he knew peace, he know everything to make everything alright
then "it" happened
and "it" kept happening and happening UNTIL....
he couldnt take it anymore
he is only human and there is so much his heart can take when it did beat
you see he is now like the children of the night
he's dead yet alive, walking, talking, yet no heart beat
i dont want to end up like he, yet i was he,  i am he, and soon to be he
and it all revovles around this feeling that im keeping inside
i have to keep it in, because for the upteenth time im wounded again
i dont see a reason to smile everyday when i think about "that"
i dont see a reason to look forward to growing into a future that right now is just 30 shades of pitch black
no reason, no season, no memory, no thoughts.
i'd just rather sit here with this feeling as i stare at the grave of a shattered heart.
this feeling you run me and i ask you WHY !?!?!
cant you just go somewhere else,
cant you just let me be,
i want to sit here and be me, see me, not dream of me
this feeling you stab me with every chance you get
you tie me by the legs latch them to a horse and let my head feel the bump of every hoof hit
this feeling you are there yet i cant let you be seen in me
because if i do, then everyone will see just how lonely you and i have turned to be
and then they will know that "he" has not given up on love
they will learn that i to want the house the fence the dog the kids
they will hear the pain that i extract from my words as i release them out my mouth
they will see the that the light in my eyes has went out.
that feeling i must hold you to keep you in me,
because i cant risk anyone else getting hold of you,
because everyone deserves a chance to expereince what can be
so im sorry i cant let you roam free to infect the rest of these human beings
to make them insecure and want to sit in a darkroom just to breath,to live, to exist to be
i cant let you over power those who are weak and cant take the horrors ofwhat you bring
i have to keep you here locked inside of me
what is this feeling ?
say hello to the  feeling of misery...........

my last night being 26- this is dedicated to the butterflies

hey bloggy ! wow what can i say. the time is upon us and i am about to become an age older. i think im ready, actually i know im ready. im ready to grow older im ready to become wiser, im ready to become a better person than the one i am right now. god has blessed me to be able to see this milestone in my life and unto him i am greatful. god i hope that i am doing the job you placed me here to do, i hope i am making you proud, im trying my best. i am so full of flaws and error and i apologize but use me how you have to in order to make this world a better place...

wow 2010 in itself has been interesting for lack of better words. this year has been rocky for me but there is nothing placed on me that i cant handle. even though its only about 40 days or so into the new year i have learned something that we are always told. sometimes you are in a persons life for a reason and you stay there until thy work is done no matter how the situations may change. this year has given me great examples of that. sometimes you are placed into a persons life in order to get them on the jump start to greatness. you see sometimes a person maybe missing a key to a door and you just so happen to be the key that opens it and also the hand that grabs there's and says " come on we can do this, so that you can do this" and i see that now.  i see why eventually catapillers leave and build there own cacoon. they build this cacoon because they have taken the experiences they've had to that point, and now its time for them to transform into something greater. they transform into beautiful butterflies. you see we all are catapillers at one point and we all turn into butterflies. just like butterflies each of us are different yet radiate such beauty if we come to accept and understand what must be done and what we have to give and sacrifice to get there and to get others there. sometimes you just end up being there or awake at the right time, sometimes you put all of your heart on the line sensing a risk, but why be selfish and not let a catapiller get a taste of what butterflies do, yes you see when you give it all you got truth, power, and greatness will prevail regardless. what may hurt now only makes you butterfly wings grow stronger and more beautiful....

i challenge you to believe in yourselves. this can be a birthday gift to me because i dont want anything else. believe in yourself, love yourself, come to know yourself, trust in yourself, and watch how you begin to see the world in a different light, just like a butterfly does, and as you continue to fly high to live your life to the fullest never stop soaring. for you see fly towards the terrestrial plains and achieve goals that regular eyes cant see, acheive those goals and then fly higher.

happy birthday butterflies 1)we will always be friends i am here for you always in the dark and the light, in times when you feel lost with no direction as to how the windblows i am forever here for you,2) even if we never speak again, and  3) i will always love you...

oh and as for me LET THE PARTY BEGIN !!!!DONT BE JEALOUS OF MY BOOGIE, DONT BE JEALOUS OF MY BOOGIE !! :-)

The HEro....

This is something else i wrote a while ago. hope you enjoy


Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound
able to turn any frown upside down
I am the hero
able to take the glass dust of a broken heart and make it new again
able to think a head to a action plan before the enemy can re-coup again
I am the hero
in under 60 seconds i can be by your side
and in under 60 minutes you are guranteed to no longer cry
when i go into my booth to change to whom im needed to be
i am the son, the brother, the best friend, the lawyer, the cousin
for these outfits change to whom it needs to be
no need for the love emblem because right now that buried in the tomb of the old me
I am your hero
i can carry you all on my shoulders
with no complaints from the pair
i was told i had the hearted touch of a healer
a touch that spreads everwhere to every human being to everything that needs it
for you see destiny chose me to help her in her duty, and i involuntarily accepted
i wil be the hero, to save those who my heart so cherishes
to give hope to those who think they've hit rock bottom
to be there for those who feel life is over, to help them understand
that its only the beginning to new life
for new life brings new situations that create new meanings to help us in our journey
so i chose to be your hero so that you can be all that you can be in this life, in eternity...
i'm able to leap tall buildings in a single bound
able to turn any frown upside down
able to be in a million places at once
for its easy to save everyone else
but the question is how does a hero learn to save himself ?...

ya average "human Being"

This is something i wrote a long while ago. just thought id start posting things on my blog

there's this pain im sworn to live with
an aching, a curse, a punishment from men before me
I am "lonely"
i live my life just as the rest of you do
i push myself to limits far beyond you
just so that i can place 10 steps behind you
yet still i have no love thats true
so what is it i do to you ?
why is it you persecute me?
why deny me? why not just try me and you will see
that im just ya average human being
i speak like you do
i cry to the same sad tunes
i breathe to the best of what these lungs can do
yet im still tied down by my two hands
and still able to do the work of a million men
i hurt, i yearn, i sacrifice, i digress !!
all that prove just one thing
i am just a human being
dont i deserve to feel the warmth of some ones love?
dont i deserve to be the best and enjoy the joys of my nest
where this love can manifest into great-ness
instead of fading into the grey-ness
as the days go by, as the clocks tick away
my mind wonders who will heal this wounded soldier ?
who will be my love's savior ?
because if i am to be alone
if i am to forever be bound to the walls of this single man's home
then please god let my love roam
roam free from land to land
roam from from woman to woman, man to man
from child to sea, to the heaven's and all that is inbetween
just so that the greatest love that is contained by this man,
could be the greatest love that could bring joy
to those who need it in this land.
alone i stand tall
looking in this mirror
questioning what is at fault
what is at large
what is to small
did i not truely give my all ?
i can feel this love beating in my chest
its waiting but yet its slowly wanting to finally rest
this love is emancipating itsself to be its final best,
but i fear that its best just wont be accepted by "my" crows nest.....

GUESS WHO'S BIZZAACK !!!

BLOGGY !!!! man how ive missed you !! i know you like yeah right, i know i know its been almost a year since i blogged on you and im sorry im horrible i know lol but im back and bout to use you to the max. its been almost a year and ive had more things happen, more topics i want to tell you about and plus im gonna be adding some stuff i write in the near future to you ( hope you dont mind) so be ready bloggy we got a LOT of catching up to do lol