This feeling...

there's this feeling that im keeping deep inside that i cant let out
a feeling that tells how i really feel
a feeling that shows just how vulnerable and regular that i can be
this feeling encompases the real me
its a feeling that has brought me plenty of shame
yet at the same time it has made these brown eyes rain tears of pain,tears of being frightened,
tears that have ran down this face before
i dont want these tears anymore
im tired of drying my eyes because i cant hold it together for longer than 12 hours
im tired of drying my eyes because i feel lost in the distance yet im here and can see me there
im just tired....
ive tried my best to do what im know to do
but i have to take a step back and look and myself in the mirror, just to see if i know who is staring back
i dont...
i use to know him
he was a kind man, a gentle man, he cared for the world as if he helped god make it
he use to feel the pains of those he didnt know and the bled the wounds of those he did
he knew joy, he knew peace, he know everything to make everything alright
then "it" happened
and "it" kept happening and happening UNTIL....
he couldnt take it anymore
he is only human and there is so much his heart can take when it did beat
you see he is now like the children of the night
he's dead yet alive, walking, talking, yet no heart beat
i dont want to end up like he, yet i was he,  i am he, and soon to be he
and it all revovles around this feeling that im keeping inside
i have to keep it in, because for the upteenth time im wounded again
i dont see a reason to smile everyday when i think about "that"
i dont see a reason to look forward to growing into a future that right now is just 30 shades of pitch black
no reason, no season, no memory, no thoughts.
i'd just rather sit here with this feeling as i stare at the grave of a shattered heart.
this feeling you run me and i ask you WHY !?!?!
cant you just go somewhere else,
cant you just let me be,
i want to sit here and be me, see me, not dream of me
this feeling you stab me with every chance you get
you tie me by the legs latch them to a horse and let my head feel the bump of every hoof hit
this feeling you are there yet i cant let you be seen in me
because if i do, then everyone will see just how lonely you and i have turned to be
and then they will know that "he" has not given up on love
they will learn that i to want the house the fence the dog the kids
they will hear the pain that i extract from my words as i release them out my mouth
they will see the that the light in my eyes has went out.
that feeling i must hold you to keep you in me,
because i cant risk anyone else getting hold of you,
because everyone deserves a chance to expereince what can be
so im sorry i cant let you roam free to infect the rest of these human beings
to make them insecure and want to sit in a darkroom just to breath,to live, to exist to be
i cant let you over power those who are weak and cant take the horrors ofwhat you bring
i have to keep you here locked inside of me
what is this feeling ?
say hello to the  feeling of misery...........