dont know how to get my heart back to the way it use to love

its funny because when life throws you lemons, your suppose to take shots of tequila lol lol naw seriously life throws us all types of lemons with some being more sour than others, but the true test is how you deal with those lemons. i guess ive had a lot of lemons, foot ball sized lemons to be exact and i dont dwell on them or deal with them as long as the average person.if that was the case then i really wouldnt be talking to half the people i do. i mean in life people make choices,i just wish i wouldnt been in mind when the choices were being finalized, which leads me to todays blog. as im sittin here listening to keyshia cole second cd "just like you" tracks number 9 ,10,11 i realize for the first time in life my heart is now not what it use to be. usually once i move past the pain im all good ya know whatever happened to me i can forgive and move on at least i know how to be cool because there's something in me that can build up a wall to put hateful emotions out and that wall is existing now but yet the problem is with my heart, my heart just isnt like it use to be. i mean this time last year i went through a change which caused me to be a new me i was involved in a relationship that to this day many dont know the details but it was one of those where i'll put it like this either a person should be totally fucked up in the head afterwards or never able to trust or give there all to another, yet i kept going and now i dont know i can feel my chest and its like nothings there and i just dont get it. i hope that im not turning into the one thing ive tried to never become in my life...bitter. i hope im not turning into one of those that hate people who did things to them, one of those who start to not care, one of those who never have the heart that i have well had. or hopefully im not turning into one of those who are scared...scared to give there all and scared to show there heart again. please god i hope not. taking a chance has been me for a while and i hope that doesnt leave me. i dont know hopefully its a phase hopefully i'll wake up tomorrow feeling like im the old me, because now even people i know are seeing im not the me who i was a short while ago,people who i dont see but talk to on the phone know that im not the me from way back then, the me then had a lot on his plate yet i thought i handled it all and still made time for me. maybe thats it maybe with all that happened i burned out and now i gotta wait for it to become lit again, i dunno but i know there are changes i need to make personally, so i guess maybe this is also a sign of growing older.or maybe im doing like our immune system the older you get the harder it gets for it to get back to normal. i've always been told that if you dont change something ever so often you arent growing. it could be anything from attitude to wearing a different kind of socks. i dunno but i cant wait to become a butterfly again....